July82012
For the past several weeks I have been consumed by thoughts of disappearance.
I pore over lists of instructional books about how to obtain false identification and avoid the pesky remnants of a former life. I read every review, and think about which ones I should buy. None of the readers have actually used the books, but they all say that true flight requires a great deal of money. They mention the importance of a solitary life and claim that most people would grow lonely. I wouldn’t. I would be very happy to spend the rest of my life with little more than my pet rabbit for company, spending my free time doing nothing but reading, writing, and drawing.
As more and more schisms appear in my life, I realize how little of my happiness involves the company of others and how much of my misery is caused, at least in part, by my supposed nearest and dearest. The idea of leaving it all behind, of abandoning everything, and living a secret, solitary existence is almost painfully appealing. I don’t like it here, I’m sure that almost anywhere else would be better, at least for a while.
There are two things preventing me from fleeing the city and re-establishing myself somewhere else with a new name and new identity. The first is simple and tangible: I do not have the money required to fund a brand new life. Without government intervention, something that I would be wary of accepting even in the case of personal safety, establishing a new name, date of birth, and identity is very expensive. It is not something to be taken lightly, and I cannot afford it. The second is much more complicated: I love my sister. We grew up together, with the exception of a few short years, we have been each other’s best friend. I could never, ever resign myself to the fate of never speaking to her again.
Despite all that, despite the fact that the very idea is ridiculously impossible, I ache with longing for a re-set button on my life.
July222012
I am not good at forcing endings. One of the great tragedies of my life is that I do not have the time to see each and every path out to all the possible conclusions. I am always wondering ‘what if?’
Recently I have been considering all the things I am attached to. I don’t grab onto things lightly, everything I cleave to is of utmost importance to me. Unfortunately I’ve been realizing that most of what I love most is a hindrance to my future, whatever that future may be.
I don’t want to cut any of these ties. I want to stop time but keep going along, clinging to the things and people I love forever without concern for where that will leave me. I wish that it were possible for me to throw up my hands and simply watch the future unfold, but that isn’t possible. I have to cut my ties, dry my tears, and go on, unattached.
August202012
I never understood him. I always expected that understanding would come with time, that if I gave enough of my self to him I would find his but it doesn’t work like that.
One day he will see that everything I did, even when it was wrongheaded and misguided was for him. One day he will see how much I did trying to make him whole again. One day he will see that he is not the only one who made sacrifices, he will see how much I gave and gave up to try to keep him. One day he will see how many times he broke my fragile heart, but that day is not today.
Today he calls me a monster. Today he uses the only weapons he has left with which to hurt me. Today he forgets that he cannot hurt me any more. Today he has not yet realized that once again my heart is hard and hidden, my mouth is bitter, and my eyes are dry.
This is the end. It wasn’t supposed to end this way, we were supposed to be adults. We were supposed to be friends, but I guess as far as he’s concerned my friendship is worthless as long as my legs stay closed. I suppose it’s for the best, he isn’t a very good friend anyway. I suppose it’s for the best, I needed to stop loving him eventually.
One day I’ll move on. One day I’ll find someone better, someone who has everything I admired in him and everything he mocked in me. It may very well take years but I am in no hurry. For now I’m all I can handle anyway.