Aches
I always have a headache now.
Songs and movies and novels tell us that this can’t eat can’t think can’t function thing is love, but I know that it isn’t.
I want nothing more than to get drunk, but I’m already so dizzy and in the past three days I have eaten half of a falafel sandwich, one cinnamon roll, one package of skittles, and one muffin. I have to choke down the things I do manage to eat.
I can sleep, that’s one thing I can do forever because when I’m asleep I don’t think about what could have been what I could have done better, how I could have tried harder, what I could have done to ignore the limitless vacuum that was our downfall.
Two weeks ago I thought I had finally come to accept this inevitability, but that was just my mind playing tricks on me I guess. I had tricked myself into not only accepting it, but believing that I wanted it because it was for the best. Now though, there is just pain and to some extent guilt, guilt for who I am, who I became, whatever.
Probably hatred would be better than this forced friendliness, I think that now at least, but I don’t know if I could stand that either. I know one day I’ll pull myself together and I’ll eat and drink and really, truly laugh again, but I don’t really know when that will be.